Ciara, Meagan Good-Franklin and Tamera Mowry-Housley became poster girls for abstinence before marriage; the indie film Cecilia the Celibate put a rom-com spin on it; and groups like the Alexandria, Virginia-based Journey to Purity create spaces for Black women to talk about chastity.
“I wouldn’t say celibacy is a growing trend,” says Marya Shegog, director of health programs at the University of Nevada Las Vegas’ Lincy Institute, “but there’s more discussion about it and people are more willing to consider or admit to it.”
Abstinence has long been a faith-driven choice among many unmarried women, but there are other reasons for it says Tiffany Rush-Wilson, a Chicago-based licensed psychologist who has researched Black women’s sexuality. “Those who have been traumatized in past relationships may choose celibacy to guard against future hurt,” she says. “Others want to regain the focus that they believe was clouded or impaired by a lot of sexual activity.” Some single sisters opt out until they enter a committed relationship.
Some partnered women, says Shegog, “perceive that their partners put them at risk by not adhering to their agreements as far as fidelity.” In other cases, conditions like diabetes, hypertension and cardiovascular disease can impact their partner’s ability to perform. You can read more about sexless marriages here.
Women ranging in age from their 30s to their 70s discuss their seasons without sex:
At 45, she’s sick of on-and-off relationships and meaningless encounters.
Status: Involuntarily celibate for 2 years
I like men, I've loved men, but I would say 95 percent of them have been bad choices. At a certain point I was like, I'm not putting up with this s--- anymore.
When I was younger, I would barely leave one relationship before I got into another one because I didn’t want to be celibate. Yet, I always feared that I would not have a lover at this age. It worried me then and it frustrates me now. I feel less feminine and bad about my body.
During times when I was not dating anybody officially, I kept sex partners, but these days I’m fresh out. To deal with somebody for 10 years on and off is not satisfying. It’s like, well, what am I doing? I don’t want to keep doing one-offs even if the sex is great. Sex for me is a lot about pleasing a partner and really being into each other. Without that it doesn’t feel good.
At 62, she’s craving companionship.
Status: Celibate two years
I have gone long stretches without sex. Occasionally, I feel a bit lonely. It's not about the sex so much as it is about the companionship — having a partner to move through life and wind down my days with would be just lovely. But finding one has been sort of hit or miss. Thus far, that has not been the path that the universe has laid out for me.
I don’t even know how people, especially at this age, meet potential partners. I tried online dating, but it felt weird to me. I’m used to meeting men more naturally and authentically.
Now 39, she took the goods off the shelf while shopping for a husband.