Modern Family: This Twist on Tradition Saves Me Time and Money

My mom and grandma taught me to do for others. While respecting their loving legacy, I’ve learned to do me.

By

Shanna B. Tiayon

 
Published April 11, 2024
illustration of 3 female family members from different generations
Tomekah George

What family tradition do you cherish? Which tradition have you updated or put your own signature on? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

It was September 2023 and as I sat in my comfy chair in my home office with a cup of coffee, a practice that usually rejuvenates me, I felt numb.

I was exhausted from months of overwork in my business, coordinating school breaks and summer plans for the kids and overcommitting to volunteer activities. The thought of the forthcoming November/December holiday period, which comes with its own demands, made me feel weepy from anticipatory overwhelm, instead of joyful like it usually does. In that moment, I realized I didn’t want to feel that way, something had to change.

The thought of the... holiday period...made me feel weepy from anticipatory overwhelm, instead of joyful like it usually does.

I’m calling 2023 “The Awakening”, because it was only in my 18th year of being a wife and mother doing the most that I realized – I didn’t have to!

I have vivid childhood memories of my mother standing in our kitchen every day, at our white laminate counter tops with silver trim, and reaching into the pine cabinets that lined the walls to grab ingredients for “scratch” cooking. She also kept, what I’ve now come to know was an immaculate house, shuttled me to extracurriculars, was active in church and hosted countless large extended family holiday dinners which required weeks of planning and prepping. All while working full time and occasionally taking on part time work as a single mother. I rarely saw her rest, take time for herself or practice self-care.

What’s true for a lot of us it that we develop our concept of womanhood from the women we grew up with. We inadvertently choose them as the model by which we subconsciously compare ourselves. “Am I getting it right?” “Am I doing enough?” And when our internal response to these questions isn’t yes, feelings of guilt can arise.

Because of the generational focus, traditions usually have a cultural value for groups, helping to establish their identity... For example, 'The Brown women always keep a neat house' or 'The Jackson women never say no to family.'

To follow in their footsteps, we look out for the behavioral landmarks and signposts that we know as family or community traditions. The word tradition stems from the Latin word tradere, which means “to hand over.” Traditions are the transmission of ways of being from one generation to the next. Because of the generational focus, traditions usually have a cultural value for groups, helping to establish their identity. “This is who we are and this is what we do.” For example, “The Brown women always keep a neat house” or “The Jackson women never say no to family”.

From 'making a way out of no way' to making memories

To be a tradition, the behavior has to have or once had meaning for the group. Always keeping a neat home may have once been an important status marker for the family or was central to creating a peaceful environment for the family to come together at a time when many public spaces were restricted to us. Sometimes they originate from and ingeniously compensate for a lack of alternatives. Think about how eating chitlins or doing line dances at celebrations emerged from a historical scarcity of quality protein sources or opposite-sex dance partners, respectively. Other traditions mark times of abundance. Traditions have value. But they become a challenge when they start to squeeze, bind or restrict authentic expressions of who we are now.

A lot of us are operating from the blueprint of our mothers, grandmothers and aunties. My mother loves to remind me that she was born on a bed, in a two bedroom house in Virginia, to a warehouseman and a waitress in 1947. My mother came of age in the heart of Jim Crow. She was raised in a home where my grandmother was responsible for all domestic responsibilities, even when she started her own business years later. Because my grandmother lived through the Great Depression, large family meals was a form of pride and an alternative way to assert socioeconomic security, so she trained my mother, the oldest, to carry forward this tradition. My mother recalls that the only time she remembers receiving praise growing up was when she was cooking or cleaning. This formed the foundation of her self-esteem.

Sis, let’s make 2024 the year of 'Do You Boo,' where we release ourselves from unrealistic or burdensome expectations for our lives and lovingly reimagine patterns that are not serving us.

Thanks to the sacrifices of my grandmother, mother and so many others, much of this is not my current reality. Yet I still feel the pressure to live up to their examples. But I am realizing that while we should absolutely take from that blueprint the things that work for us, it’s ok to reimagine the things that do not.

For me, my own “reimagining” in 2023 took the form of letting go of arduous holiday planning, for Thanksgiving and Christmas, that usually entailed a pattern similar to my mom’s – weeks of prepping, buying food and cooking. The narrative I internalized about holidays was that if you love your family, you plan large holiday dinners. My mother did it joyfully, but her mind and body paid the price from fatigue. For some this sort of thing is their love language, but I realized it’s not mines. My love language is time, spending quality time with the ones I love.

So I reimagined the holidays for my family in a way that allowed me to maximize my presence with them by going out for Thanksgiving dinner. Similar to years past, my husband and I sat around the table with our four children, enjoyed traditional Thanksgiving foods like sweet potato casserole and laughed. The difference was when we were finished we paid the check and left. No prep, clean up, overwhelm or fatigue required. My new narrative is: my presence is the present.

While holidays may not be the thing that is squeezing and binding you, I know some families who host annual Fourth of July or Labor Day cookouts or plan family reunions every year. Same idea, if it’s weighing you down, consider how you might reimagine this tradition.

I also made a conscious choice to practice my love language of time with myself, because not all of my time should be for others. This is counter to the narrative that I internalized as a child, seeing my mom constantly busy for others (me being the primary beneficiary). As a result of this decision I instituted morning time, time each morning where I sit in my home office and do me for a minimum of 30-minutes each day. It’s a sacred, kid and husband free time just for me. My new narrative is: caring for myself is caring for others.

Five questions that might make you happier, healthier and wealthier

Adapting these traditions opened the floodgate for other ways I could decrease my stress while maximizing my time and energy. This renovated version of womanhood has allowed me to focus more on my HR consulting business, which focuses on employee wellbeing. It’s created more spaciousness in my head for innovation and problem solving. It has greatly reduced my stress levels which can impact our cognitive functioning. All these outcomes continue to have a positive impact on money earned (in my business) and money saved (from the time and emotional labor to live up to previous standards). We Should All Be Millionaires author and wealth coach Rachel Rodgers calls these, “million dollar decisions”!

In thinking about traditions that you might benefit from reimagining, start with answering the below questions:

·Is there an aspect of womanhood that frequently brings up guilt for you? Expectations you feel you are not living up to? Write those things down.

What’s the narrative you’ve learned that supports this perceived expectation?

Does this expectation align with your values?

How might you reclaim this part of womanhood for yourself and reimagine it in a way that works for you?

What’s the new narrative you can adopt that supports this shift?

Sis, let’s make 2024 the year of “Do You Boo”, where we release ourselves from unrealistic or burdensome expectations for our lives and lovingly reimagine patterns that are not serving us. Do you Boo!

 

What family tradition do you cherish? Which tradition have you updated or put your own signature on? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Shanna B. Tiayon is a Social Psychologist (PhD), mental health expert, small business owner and freelance journalist. She writes on topics of wellbeing and the ways we may infringe upon the wellbeing of others. She was a 2022 National Magazine Award Finalist.